19 days {adoption post two}

Trying to remember where we left of.. {off to check last post} hmm. ok.

Hospital picture.

So, after 5 days in the NICU/ICU we went home & spent the saddest and happiest 14 days of my life. What a mix {especially with post-partum hormones} and it didn't help that we were in close contact with an adoption social worker the entire time. She even made 45 mile trips from the city {f-town} to visit a few times with her profile binder & other assorted paperwork. Austin {now known as Leighton} got to meet a few of my friends and a few of my extended family. He lived with us, and became a part of the family against the urging of said social worker - she suggested {and said most birthmothers do} having him stay in a foster home {one of their selected hopeful parents' home} until I come to a decision so I don't have my heart ripped out if I decide on adoption. I had no plan up to this point & had not more than considered my options, most certainly had not discussed options with anyone.

My mom mostly loved being grandma & taking care of teeny tiny baby - at the time it was her actual paid job to take care of NICU babies after being sent home. She has a great big heart and is a wonderful nurse & grandma. Also, a very supportive Mom - the best. Being adopted herself, she understands adoption and how great it can be. Her parents were never blessed biologically but by adoption three times. Amazing. I wished my Grandma {never met my grandpa} was still here to talk.

So, my wonderful Mom put me in a place that I knew her & my dad would love & help me in whatever decision I made. They would continue to let me live at their house until baby & I could make it on our own, indefinitely. I was in my 2nd year of college and 1st year of my new {2 year} program. So 3 semesters left of school, working one nearly full-time job and one part-time job. She also supported the idea that this sweet baby should have two parents who love each other and could show him the same love. Parents who are ready to be parents & can provide all the things and opportunities that I might not be able to so young. We talked & cried.

A decision was eventually made, but there was still time to not follow-through. I told my social worker that I wasn't ready to be a mom yet and chose C&A from the profile book. They were young {26 & 27 at the time}, had no other kids yet, but were hopeful, and were Christians. The last thing? They lived in the town I was going to school at and knew I would eventually be back in myself.

December 16, 2005 - hardest day of my entire life to this point.

Court.

Bawling in front of a judge while telling him that this is for certain what I want to do. And I won't change my mind.

Going back to the adoption agency to say one final good-bye {see you later} to the sweet baby boy who'd spent the last 14 nights and days with me.





Bittersweet, but treasured 19 days.